let’s talk about boys….

 

I have been avoiding this subject because I’m not sure how much I want to reveal but I just need to get it out there and maybe a little feed back…maybe 😉 I’m having boy troubles and I’m not sure I’m handling them well.  I’m sure I’ve said this in a previous post but to clarify, I believe that it’s no coincidence that many of the other 12 step orientated programs have to do with PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS aka relationships, work & money or relationships, home & food. I also correlate PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS with my character defects, {aka my instincts in these areas being  out of balance.}
In July last year I ended a brief relationship because I realised I was using the relationship like a drug, my ego was getting a hit. Then I’d feel like shit and uncertain and push him away then my ego would scream for more attention and I’d pull the poor bloke back in and on and on. It was painful & humiliating to watch myself do this, I secretly resented him for putting up with it. I had almost no respect for him, healthy people should not put up with this crap. He’d run back like a puppy begging me to kick him again. HORRIBLE! As this went on the shame in me grew, my thinking became very unhealthy in all areas, my behavior appalling. I was so incapable of being honest and just saying NO to him I was trying to make him hate me enough to walk away. Finally I couldn’t stand it or myself anymore and I said a definate and final NO. I made it very clear that although I had been confused in the past I was now very certain that I did not have feelings for him and never would. I then moved 3 states away. Recently he started sending me messages on Facebook & via text wanting to chat as friends ~ he claimed he missed my friendship. At first the contact was brief then he started sending me messages more frequently, if I was busy and didn’t respond to him I’d get bombarded with “what’s wrong?” “are you okay?” bla bla bla. It was clear that he had become confused about our re-kindled friendship so I thought it was time to make clear my boundaries and not make myself so available. I’d respond with “Busy, call you later” then at 11 pm I’d get a text “is it later yet?” Oh My Goodness!  I asked him to stop messaging me and texting me and calling me late at night. I made it clear that I’m busy with my kid, work, study, hobbies, family, friends, meetings & service commitments and didn’t really have time to indulge in all day & night text/pm conversations with him about NOTHING! I suggested he call another friend, a male friend if he needed to chat regularly. {I also thought get a fucking HOBBY} but I didn’t say it out loud.  Now I’m getting “we need to talk” & “I’d love to chat sometime” & “are we okay?” mostly I don’t reply but he’s not giving up. He’s doing my head in and I’m trying to see my part… I should have made it perfectly clear when he started being my friend again that my feelings would NEVER change, although I’d already said that once. In fact my actual words were along the lines of “WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER ~ LIKE EVER!”
So here’s my question should I tell him once again in succinct plain English that his chances are ZERO or  should I ignore him? OR Should I change my relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship” and hope he gets the message.

PS: I’m in the process of taking at least one full year OFF all romantic relationships/dating/whatever…. and then when my year is up I will be reviewing my recruitment process… SERIOUSLY!

let’s talk about love

{image by kim}

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day so lets talk about love. Let’s talk about LOVE in recovery. What does it look like?  Growing up I did not have a particularly good example of romantic love to observe. My folks were okay – well not really but that’s another story. They were not particularly affectionate, romantic or loving. As a consequence I had no idea what love was except for the Walt Disney version, which of course is delightful but not exactly realistic. As I grew up into a young woman I was overly influenced by 80’s Teen Romance films, Pretty in Pink, Footloose, St. Elmo’s Fire, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles. I was sure that my status as the ugly sister was going to propel me into the dizzying heights of romance & popularity.  It’s fair to say that  John Hughes seriously disappointed me.
My 20’s was not much better…. I had SPECTACULAR  teachers. Melrose Place, Friends, Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally. It’s fair to say that I was even more disappointed to discover that my life was NOT a romantic comedy after all and probably never would be and only God have could helped me when they made Sex in The City.  Sadly I didn’t believe in God then, so it’s also fair to say that I was beyond help!
When I first got sober – Sex & Relationships were a new frontier for me. Challenging, daunting, terrifying. I felt like a 13 year old girl in a 30 year old body and I had NO idea what to do about any of it. “They” suggested I avoid relationships for at least 12 months – so I did. {I was highly committed to recovery} but let me tell you when that 12 months was up I was in it! Up to my proverbial eyeballs. The first relationship was a disaster from the start. I had some gut feelings that it wasn’t a good idea but they were vague and I wasn’t sure how to decipher those feelings. That relationship did however produce a beautiful little person who I am crazy about so I will be forever thankful for that. Regardless of all the hurt he gave me my beautiful  girl and no-one has ever given me a gift so lovely.
My next relationship was also for ALL the wrong reasons – he was lovely and we are still great mates but both of us had very odd motives. We couldn’t see it at the time but looking back it was a pretty dumb thing to do. However by this time I started to recognise my “feelings” not so much my emotional feelings but my physical feelings – the feelings were instinct. I had little red flags that I chose to ignore. I saw signs, I felt uncomfortable but I couldn’t tell why. Although these feelings were stronger I still could not identify them. I was still searching for and expecting Walt Disney Love.  The second failure turned me off completely and I shut down, I felt confused about my seemingly poor judgement when it came to relationships and I was too exhausted to deal with anymore heartache. So I just SHUT DOWN.
About a year or so later I was hanging my laundry on the clothes line and noticed my under wear – it was all Bonds cotton boy legs in white or flesh. BORING – SPINSTER -TRAGIC were the words that came to mind, then a little voice said to me – “OMG! This is how I see myself” This is very sad. Right that minute I threw it all in the bin and went straight to the shops and replaced the LOT with lovely, sexy, feminine under wear! I kid you not.. days later I was to meet someone. This too was a catastrophic disaster and showed me exactly how my addiction works in “all my affairs” I came to understand the “hit” from this relationship and the “hit” from my ego. I went through the process of withdrawal from this person. Excruciating craving and detachment. I was so sure I had finally found my Walt Disney Love but it was all make believe.
It’s been a long time and I have had to get “sober” from my destructive relationship behavior.  I have had to be alone to see and detach and learn about myself. I had to get clear about my needs and wants and become very willing not to sacrifice those needs for the sake of having someone – anyone. I had to look at LOVE and understand it. I had to learn how to feel LOVE daily. Not towards a man – but just to feel it. To know exactly what LOVE feels like. Not Walt Disney Love or Romantic Comedy Love or Lust Love but genuine LOVE. It comes from the same place we love our children. It’s not butterflies it’s a vibration. It’s a spiritual inhalation. It takes time. It’s a slow process of saying “I love myself enough to REALLY take my time to get to know you” “I trust that if you’re for me, you still will be in 3 months or 6 months or 12 months – however long it takes for me to REALLY get to know you”
There is that lovely verse from the Bible that is often read at weddings, a lovely sentiment but do we actually take notice of the meaning of each statement… when we are in a relationship do we understand what any of it really means. If we do understand it do we strive to practice it in our most beloved relationship.

Love is patient
love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never fails.

 Love, relationships and recovery are a complicated mix. It has taken me such a long time to understand what exactly LOVE means and to get an idea of what it should look like and feel like. It’s taken me a VERY long time to not be afraid of love. I am afraid of love like others are afraid of success. I have been possessed my whole life by the tragic belief that I am not really worthy, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough to be loved. I have finally let go of that belief and my heart is open – truly open for the first time. At first it was frightening, I was sure that if I opened my heart then romantic loved would come flooding in, once again causing me an unmanageable overload of emotions. It didn’t.. there was no frog cleverly disguised as a prince.
Just LOVE and it feels a lot  like JOY! Just like that the universe shifted ever so slightly on it’s axis and my world changed.. more loving friends came into my life, the great friends I already have became kinder, my parents are lovelier, my parenting is better, my daughter is happier, job offers came my way, the bills backed off a little, fear left.  LOVE NEVER FAILS!

Today…. I will be lovely xo