my choice

So! here I am back at happy, it’s fair to say that I’d like to stay here. So how did I lose my way last time? When I reflect back it’s easy to say it was “this” or “that” but the real truth is, it was me. On both occasions I got into new relationships. I’d LOVE to blame them, I could write an endless post about THEIR character defects. I could take their inventories all day long. The problem is the only thing that would achieve is that it would feed my lower power {ego} and make me miserable and that would defeat the purpose.
I’m guided to look ONLY at my side of the street. I thought I had done that, I had admitted my faults in these relationships. I had made amends to the ex’s, but still I harbored resentment, something was missing from the process. When I found myself back at “happy” I was honestly able to see why I had lost my way. It’s so obvious now that I can believe I didn’t see it, but I literally lost myself. I LOST ME… I alone allowed myself to change to suit these men. They never asked me to change ~ I wasn’t held captive by them, I was held captive by me! By my fears and insecurities.
At this time I was about a year sober and terribly fearful that I’d never meet anyone and have a family, that I’d be left on the proverbial shelf. FEAR was gripping. The changes were so subtle at first I didn’t really notice them. The first ex didn’t like the same kind of food as me, so we ate what he liked. My choice. He didn’t like some of my friends, so I spent much less time with them. My choice. He didn’t like that I worked with so many men or most week-ends. So I quit my job. My choice. He didn’t like my family. So I spent less time with them and eventually lost contact. My choice. He didn’t like my perfume, my clothes, my shoes, my expensive lingerie. So I stopped all of that. My choice. He didn’t like me reading so much. So I stopped that. My choice. He didn’t like that I was more educated than him. So I “dumbed” myself down. My choice. Actually he didn’t really like anything about me,  by the end of this relationship I didn’t like me either.
Somehow… I managed to put myself back together and briefly found my way back to “happy” However,  once again gripped by fear of financial insecurity. I was now alone with a baby, how will I survive? Then I met a lovely man….
He didn’t like “needy” women so I made myself distant. My choice. He didn’t like “slutty” women. So I made sure I didn’t come across as too interesting in the bedroom. My choice. He didn’t like my friends or family. So again I spent less time with them. My choice. He didn’t like social outings. So I never went anywhere. My choice. He didn’t like women who depended on a man financially. So I paid for most stuff. My choice. He didn’t like me wearing make-up. So I stopped wearing make up. My choice. He didn’t like me to talk about recovery. So I stopped that. My choice. Actually he didn’t really like anything about me either.
WOW. {I am literally cringing at this moment} As I write this I am forced to face some very hard truths about myself and my relationships. This is revealing and painful, I am overcome with sadness. The sadness is for myself, for the girl in me who felt so little of herself that she chose to be with people who did not like her. However, I am still at “happy” because I know that she is better now, she is stronger. The last couple of years on my own have been difficult but I have learned to face “economic insecurity”, “loneliness” & “the fear of the shelf”. I have started to add to my education. I am reading more. I am cooking the food I love again. I am wearing make-up and perfume. I replaced my plain underwear for lovely stuff again. I have peeled away all the fraudulent layers I applied to disguise myself. The future plan is to HOLD on tight to myself. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, that’s for sure,  but take me as I am or keep walking. I’m okay with that.

today I will be me